


Negative Results

by loofahlover



Series: We Bump and Greet and Spin Round and Round [4]
Category: One Piece
Genre: M/M, asexual!Luffy, asexual!Zoro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 20:52:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3461603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loofahlover/pseuds/loofahlover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If only Luffy had explained properly why he'd bought a pregnancy test in the first place, then maybe Zoro wouldn't have suffered a nervous breakdown.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Negative Results

“Zoooooro.” Luffy opens the door to his and Zoro’s apartment, searching until he finds Zoro playing video games in the living room.

“Yo,” Zoro calls out. He shifts to his right before Luffy jumps backward onto the sofa, still preoccupied with his game of Mario Kart.

“So the pregnancy test came back negative.” Luffy hears a crunch and turns worriedly to Zoro. “You ok?”

“I’m fine,” Zoro wheezes out. His eyes are glued to the tv screen in horror, and his thumbs have burrowed inch-deep holes into the video game controller. He slowly turns to Luffy. “I thought you were a guy.”

“I am.”

Zoro slowly states the obvious. “But only girls can get pregnant.”

“Really?”

“Well…technically it’s possible if…if you also have…inside your…and the chromosomes…I don’t know, ask Chopper, not me!”

Ok, so that’s one question down, Zoro thinks. But the next problem is even worse. Zoro starts reasoning out that the only reason why normal people would buy a pregnancy test is because they might be pregnant. Never mind that Luffy’s a guy; it’s not like this was the absolutely dumbest thing that he had ever done. So anyway, people could only get pregnant if they were having sex. And he and Luffy definitely weren’t having sex, so…“Who would the father have been?”

“There’s a father?”

“I mean, if you were a girl.”

“But I’m not a girl. I told you that, like, five seconds ago. Remember, Zoro?”

“I know that! I just,” Zoro throws away the ruined controller to grab at his hair. “Are you- with someone else- sex-“

“Hm? What are you talking about? You ok there, Zoro?”

Zoro can’t answer because he’s currently hugely conflicted. On one hand, he’d kind of assumed that this thing between him and Luffy was an exclusive-dating, bordering-on-soulmates, no-need-to-buy-separate-coffins-for-us, we’re-gonna-die-together, thank-you-very-much kind of thing. But on the other hand, he had just been proven that Luffy was a genius at screwing with his mind. And the idea that perhaps he been making premature assumptions about their relationship was ripping something in his chest into tiny pieces of confetti.

“Well I don’t get it.” Luffy squirms at the uncomfortable silence. “I mean, you’d hafta have sex to make babies, and Zoro’s the one I’m closest to, and we don’t have sex, so why are we still talking about babies?” Luffy lets his head fall onto Zoro’s lap.  “Unless that thing with the storks is true. Is it, Zoro?”

Zoro doesn’t answer the question. “But you bought a pregnancy test.”

“Oh, that. So what happened was that Nami dared me to go buy one and try it out. Honestly, I thought she was gonna dare me something scarier. Though the cashier was giving me weird looks. But anyway, do you really think babies come from storks, Zoro?”

Zoro sinks into the sofa in relief, covering his eyes with one arm. “I don’t care.” He uses the other hand to drag his fingers through Luffy’s messy hair.

Luffy leans toward Zoro’s touch with a grin. His eyes are starting to droop from the comfy feeling when he suddenly has a thought. “We would’ve been awesome parents, though.”

“We would be awful parents. Especially you. You’d  probably drop the kid into the toilet.”

“I would not!...Ok, maybe. But I’d be careful the rest of the time! And I’d be awesome at baby names!”

“Oh really. Throw me one, then.”

“Sirloin.”

Zoro chokes on his laugh. “That’s just what you want for dinner.”

“It’s a cool name, too!”

“No it’s not. The kid’ll be bullied for life.”

Luffy growls, only it’s more like the non-threatening sound that a puppy would make. “I’d like to see you do any better.”

Zoro lifts his arm to stare at the ceiling. He’s not good with names, so he tries to search through his memory for something useful. But his only interests are Luffy and swords, and Luffy would be a stupid name on anybody else but Luffy. “Uhhh…Sharpy?”

“That’s lame. If you’re gonna name our kid after weapons, then name them something badass. Like Switchblade, or Knife-to-the-Eye.”

“Yeah, and that’s not going to hurt their chances of finding employment, at all.”

“Who’s looking for employment?” Nami suddenly walks into the apartment unannounced, carrying a bag of groceries.

“Oh right.” Zoro turns to glare at Nami. “This was all your fault.”

“If you’re talking about the dare, I can’t tell why you’re still mad at me, since you two are snuggling it up like always. Besides, it’s not like I wasn’t disappointed either. Truth-or-Dare just isn’t as fun when your friends are absolutely shameless.”

Luffy jolts up into a sitting position. “Hey! I’m not shameless!”

“You’re right. Shameless people actually know what shame means.”

“I do know what shame means! It’s…when you forget someone’s birthday!”

Nami’s about to argue back when she thinks that maybe Luffy has a point. It’s probably the only thing that her innocent baby marshmallow of a friend would ever be ashamed about. “Alright then. You’re not shameless. Just an idiot.”

Having heard that too many times to care, Luffy nods with satisfaction.

“So what were you guys talking about?” Nami puts her groceries down and leans over the two.

“Baby names,” Luffy grins.

“Luffy, I told you that you’re not pregnant. Unless…” Nami makes a dramatic gasp in Zoro’s direction.

“I’M NOT.” Zoro quickly puts that idea to rest. “Luffy was just messing around, is all.”

“Yeah. Nami, tell Zoro why Sharpy is a lousy name.”

“Are you kidding me? Sharpie? You want to name them after a permanent marker brand?”

“Not the marker,” Zoro defends.

“Nami’s so stupid.”

It was probably a good thing that neither man was pregnant. Because punching the not-fathers upside the head would have been bad for the not-baby.


End file.
